There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Everyone says I win the strip club
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
