i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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