Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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