I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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