she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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