we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
i think my cat just said my name.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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