is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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