Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
