And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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