You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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