It's like God shit irony all over that family
operation have a gay friend backfired
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
