when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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