I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
No subtext here. People are naked.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
