this boner is exhausting
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
