We're facebook friends in real life
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Threesome in a minivan. New low
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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