I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
