I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
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