If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
