I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
