walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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