guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
