At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
