lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
