Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
