Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Randomize
