It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Randomize
