I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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