On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
