Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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