Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
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