You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize