Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Someone came in the potted fern
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
