i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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