3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
