Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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