my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
