I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
