i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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