I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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