I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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