he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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