I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
