You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Randomize
