she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
