Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
