4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
