From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
