i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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