it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
