So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize