Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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