You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
