but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Randomize