Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
