Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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