i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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