New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Randomize
