Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
tonight lets celebrate not being married
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize