I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize