Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
