If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
