I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
