I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
