Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
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