is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
