I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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