I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Randomize
