i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
