He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
