he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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