I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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